How do I stop picking the wrong guy? (or girl?)
By: DeAnn Maccloskey
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Stagner, constantly tells her millionaire clients who have “trouble finding love” that their picker is broken. Meaning, they keep picking the wrong type of person: cheaters, liars, abusers, “commitmentphobes”, etc. Do you see this pattern in your own life? Here are some tips on how to move forward and get into a healthy relationship.
1. Learn from your mistakes and be aware of the red flags.
If you keep choosing a significant other who cheats on you, then you need to look at the warning signs before you commit. For example, does he have a wandering eye? Has she cheated in every past relationship? Is he in no place to settle down and commit? Then move on. If you always pick someone who doesn’t value you, then make being valued in your relationship a priority. If within the first few weeks, he is ditching you for other plans, it won’t get better…and I hate to say it…but it will only get worse.
2. Make a list of must haves and priorities.
When you learn from your past relationships, you may not know exactly what you want, but you will definitely know what you DON’T want! Use that to help you create a list of the must-haves in a significant other. For example, maybe you don’t want a messy person, but that’s not necessarily a deal breaker; however, someone who has a bad temper may not be for you because you experienced an abusive relationship in the past. Don’t only make the list, but stick to it…even if you’re very attracted to the person. Don’t let that get in the way of YOUR wants for relationship.
3. Stop trying to change others and focus on YOU!
You will NEVER change anyone…you are the only person that you can change. If you go into a relationship wanting to fix someone, then I can promise you that the relationship is doomed. I used to be a saver/fixer myself, and one day I finally had the revelation of, “Why would I want to be with anyone that I had to fix? That’s a lot of work!” Now, I love/need to be needed, but learned that in a relationship, that is not healthy. When I stopped trying to fix everyone else and just focused on myself, I grew into a more balanced person; thus, creating a better, whole woman for my future husband. And since he did the same, I didn’t have to fix him! Now, getting him to put the dishes in the sink, that’s another story!
4. Get accountability.
Once you set these standards for yourself, it is helpful to get someone (preferably a professional) to help you maintain these boundaries. If not a counselor, then seek out a well-balanced friend or family member; someone who can be blunt and honest, but also loving and sensitive.
Your picker isn’t necessarily broken, your acceptor is! You may pick the wrong people, but that doesn’t mean you have to accept their negative behavior. Put these four steps into action and get on your way to a happy, healthy relationship.
If you are wondering where to begin to start the process of healing, then call Life Counseling Solutions at 407-622-1770 for a FREE 15-minute consultation! Or, you can set up an appointment online by contacting us here.