A Walk in Jane Doe’s Shoes
Jane Doe wakes up every morning and goes about her day like any regular woman in her twenties and thirties. She takes her coffee bold, a little extra hot and with a hint of hazelnut for flavor. She knows what she wants, known for being confident, educated, and even a tad bit sassy.
She is technically single but could pass for the new popular status: “it’s complicated”. Why? Because she has fallen into the 50% of woman her age who have, have had, or will have a “friend with benefits”. So the question might be burning us all to ask, is Ms. Doe really happy with her no-strings-attached boy toy? Is there really a benefit to having a friend with benefits?
I have had the pleasure of sitting down with this lovely lady we call Jane Doe and many others in her very same situation. For the most part the decision to just hook up without the ties wasn’t even the plan to begin with.
Ms. Doe in particular has had her friend-with-benefits for two years now who we’ll call John. She met this gentleman at work and was invited out for drinks one night with a couple other coworkers. That night after a few too many drinks, she bashfully admits, they both got a bit “carried away” in a night of passion when they were the last two closing down the bar that evening.
She admitted that she was attracted to John from the moment they met, shared flirtatious banter back and forth at work, and read into their fun sexy night as a possible start to a romantic relationship. They didn’t speak that weekend and when they saw each other at work that Monday, John high-fived her as he walked passed her.
She started feeling confused, sad, but brushed it off immediately so she wouldn’t appear “needy” or “whiny” like “most girls” do in her opinion. She got the point. She was in the friends’ zone and that was the beginning of their complicated friends with benefits situation/title/relationship/or “whatever it is” as she likes to say.
So is hooking up with John from time-to-time a benefit to our confident sassy Ms. Jane Doe? Let’s do some more exploring on a deeper level. She shares: “I want a family and kids one day. I want a boyfriend that is proud to be with me. Someone who holds my hand in public and even gets jealous from time to time…” She giggles and asks insecurely if that sounds stupid.
The truth is she does not sound stupid at all. She wants what most girls her age want! She is being held back from long-term gratification by getting caught up in the instant gratification that John brings.
Jane admits to enjoying the moments of being wanted, desired, and even in the deviant hookups they have shared in random places. Who wouldn’t?!? She admits to feeling like his “number one girl” for that hour or couple of hours depending on the day and mood and that it “keeps me going when I feel lonely and have no one”.
Jane is missing out on some great potential long-term partners by allowing John to be her distraction. She might not even realize what she is missing out on because she is waiting patiently by her phone for that “Hey what ya up to?” text message that gives her a temporary rush. Key word here is TEMPORARY.
Male or female, in your twenties and thirties, you are in a time in your life dedicated to building and planning. This is the time to figure out what you want in a career, in a mate, and in a future father or mother to your children if your desires are similar to Jane’s.
Booty calls, hook-ups, friends-with-benefits, or whatever you call it only leads you on a path of disappointment and regret if you are not getting out of the relationship what your heart truly desires. John on the other hand is having the time of his life. This might be his hearts desire: hook-up with as many females as possible, having no ties with any of them, answering to no one, and “living it up.”
So this friends-with-benefits status is working for him; but if you are in the case of Jane you are wasting special intimate moments that are meant to be shared with the one who is proud to hold your hand in public, screaming at the roof tops his devotion to you, and the one who will be proud to see you carry his name.
If you are struggling in a complicated relationship status, figuring out what you want, or just needed some guidance in your love life call Life Counseling Solutions at 407-622-1770. We are here to help!
Author: Joann Venant