By: Allison Petro, LMHC

How many times have you said after a first date, “I’m in love! I’ve found the perfect man! He’s good looking, respectful, funny…” and the list goes on.

But, after dating for some time, you are crying about the same man and your new relationship. He never listens, ignores your feelings, and only seems to want you for sex. He seems … emotionally detached.

Welcome to the world of emotionally unavailable men

Often times, women will only see what they want to see. They choose to ignore any warning signs early on in the relationship and wind up falling for emotionally unavailable men.

If you feel that you tend to attract guys who are emotionally detached, start looking for these red flags during the beginning stages of dating or new relationships so you can avoid them altogether.

Here are 5 early warning signs that your new man is emotionally unavailable men:

#1 He lacks empathy

If a man is unwilling to recognize or identify with your feelings and needs, he lacks empathy. An individual who lacks empathy will discuss their own concerns and experiences in lengthy detail while failing to recognize that you also have feelings and needs.

Emotionally unavailable men are often condescending and impatient with others who talk about their own problems and even view them as weak and vulnerable.

Simply put, men who lack empathy and come across as cold and distant. Someone who lacks empathy will make you feel bad about having your own feelings and will not want to listen well.

#2 He is self-centered

A self-centered man is easy to spot early in a relationship, if you know what you are looking for.

Ask yourself some of the following questions:

  • Is our relationship always about him?
  • Do I find myself always listening to him about his work problems, family issues, and health concerns?
  • When I bring up my problems, does it always seem to circle back to him?
  • How do we spend our free time together?
  • Am I always accommodating his schedule and doing what he wants to do?

If you answered “yes” to the majority of these questions, your man is probably self-centered. It’s time to move on from the relationship. A healthy relationship should feel 50/50.

#3 He always blames others

Emotionally unavailable men will often blame others for their problems and are unwilling to take responsibility for any life issues they encounter.

For example, does he believe everything wrong in the relationship is your fault? If he is never willing to take responsibility then he struggles with self-reflection. And, he is not acknowledging how his actions and emotions impact the relationship.

#4 The relationship went straight to the physical and stayed there

When a relationship goes straight to the physical and stays there, there is a reason for it.

Men who are emotionally unavailable are often more comfortable being physically close than emotionally vulnerable. They use sex to feel close to you and avoid talking about their emotions, which leaves them feeling exposed.

#5 He just got out of a long-term relationship

If the man you are interested in just got out of a long-term relationship, he’s most likely not emotionally ready to jump into something serious. If a man is honest with himself, he will realize that he’s simply not ready to move into another serious relationship after ending one.

However, some men refuse to recognize this and quickly move into a relationship to feel better and less alone after a hard break-up. This is of course what we call a “rebound,” but can be hard to accept if you are quickly falling for a guy. Give him some time and space, and if it’s meant to work out, trust that it will.

You can spot an emotionally unavailable man if you know what signs to look for. And remember, just because you see great potential in a man, this does not mean you can change him to get him there.

If you find that you are always dating emotionally unavailable men, it could be time to dig deeper. It is important to discover if a past experience or core beliefs about yourself cause you to make these unhelpful decisions over and over again.

If you want help unpacking this issue, give Allison a call for counseling at Life Counseling Solutions at 407-622-1770. She also offers 15-minute free phone consultations and can answer any questions you may have about the talk therapy process.

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Allison Petro is Licensed Mental Health Counselor specializing in couples, women’s issues, treating depression holistically, and children. For more information about the author visit her full bio here.