You’ve left three times already. Each time, you swore it was the final time. You told your friends, “I’m done. I deserve better.” You felt strong, clear, determined.
Then came the text. The apology. The promise that things would be different. And somehow, you found yourself right back where you started—wondering how you got here again and questioning whether you’re the problem.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. And you’re not crazy. What you’re experiencing has a name: trauma bonding.
As a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Certified Sex Addiction Therapist Supervisor specializing in relationship trauma here in Central Florida, I’ve worked with hundreds of women who’ve found themselves trapped in this painful cycle. Understanding trauma bonding is the first step toward breaking free and reclaiming your life.
What Is a Trauma Bond?
A trauma bond is a powerful emotional attachment that forms between an abuser and their victim through cycles of abuse, devaluation, and intermittent positive reinforcement. Unlike healthy love, which grows steadily over time, trauma bonds are forged through emotional chaos.
Think of it like this: Your brain becomes addicted to the relief that comes after intense stress. When your partner is cruel, dismissive, or manipulative, your nervous system goes into high alert. When they suddenly become kind again—even briefly—your brain floods with feel-good chemicals. This creates a powerful addiction that has nothing to do with love and everything to do with survival.
The term was first coined by Patrick Carnes, and in my 18+ years working with survivors of narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships, I’ve seen how these bonds keep intelligent, capable women trapped in situations they never imagined for themselves.
The 7 Signs You’re in a Trauma Bond
1. You Keep Returning Despite Knowing It’s Unhealthy
You’ve left multiple times. You’ve blocked their number. You’ve told everyone you’re done. Yet somehow, you keep going back. You might rationalize it by thinking, “Maybe I overreacted” or “They really are trying to change this time.”
What’s really happening: The intermittent reinforcement (moments of kindness after cruelty) has created an addiction cycle in your brain. Your nervous system has been conditioned to crave the relief that comes after tension.
2. You’re Walking on Eggshells Constantly
You find yourself carefully monitoring your words, your tone, even your facial expressions. You’re constantly calculating: Will this upset them? Should I bring this up now? What mood are they in? You’ve become an expert at reading the room, but you’ve lost touch with your own feelings and needs.
Reality check: In healthy relationships, you feel safe to express yourself. If you’re constantly managing someone else’s emotions, that’s not love—that’s emotional hostage-taking.
3. You Defend or Justify Their Behavior to Others
When friends or family express concern, you hear yourself making excuses: “You don’t understand them like I do” or “They had a really difficult childhood” or “They’re under a lot of stress right now.” You might even feel angry at the people who care about you for “not understanding.”
The truth: When you spend more time defending someone’s harmful behavior than they spend taking accountability for it, you’re in a trauma bond. Your brain is working overtime to resolve the cognitive dissonance between “this person hurts me” and “I love this person.”
4. The Relationship Feels Addictive—Not Peaceful
Healthy love feels like coming home. Trauma bonds feel like a rollercoaster you can’t get off. The highs are intoxicating (when they’re being charming, apologetic, or affectionate), and the lows are devastating. You find yourself obsessing about them, checking your phone constantly, unable to concentrate on anything else.
You might even feel physically addicted—experiencing withdrawal symptoms like anxiety, restlessness, or physical pain when you’re apart or when things are bad.
Here’s why: Your brain is literally experiencing addiction. The unpredictability has triggered your reward centers in the same way gambling or substance use does.
5. You’ve Lost Yourself in the Relationship
You used to have hobbies, friends, goals, and dreams. Now? Your entire world revolves around this person. You’ve stopped doing things you love. You’ve distanced yourself from people who care about you. You can barely remember who you were before this relationship.
When I ask my clients, “What do you enjoy doing?” they often pause, genuinely stumped. The relationship has consumed their identity.
This is by design: Abusive partners isolate their victims. It makes you more dependent, easier to control, and less likely to have outside perspectives challenging the narrative they’ve created.
6. You Feel Like You’re Going Crazy
One day they say one thing; the next day they deny ever saying it. They tell you you’re “too sensitive” or “overreacting.” You find yourself questioning your own memory, your perception, even your sanity. This is gaslighting, and it’s one of the most devastating tactics in the narcissist’s playbook.
You might also notice friends saying things like, “You don’t seem like yourself anymore” or “I’m worried about you.” They’re seeing what you can’t—that you’ve been systematically broken down.
7. You Stay Because You Believe You Can Fix Them or the Relationship
You think: If I just love them enough… If I just try harder… If I just stop doing the things that trigger them… You’ve convinced yourself that you hold the key to their transformation.
The painful reality: You cannot heal someone who is actively harming you. You cannot love someone into changing. And by staying, you’re not helping them—you’re enabling the cycle to continue.
Why Trauma Bonds Are So Hard to Break
Here in my practice in Central Florida, women often tell me, “I feel so stupid. Why can’t I just leave?” Let me be crystal clear: This is not a character flaw. This is neurobiology.
Trauma bonds hijack your nervous system. They create:
- Biochemical addiction: Your brain releases dopamine, oxytocin, and cortisol in patterns that mirror substance addiction
- Cognitive dissonance: Your mind struggles to reconcile “I love them” with “they hurt me,” so it rewrites reality
- Learned helplessness: Repeated cycles of abuse teach your brain that nothing you do matters, so why try?
- Hope addiction: The intermittent “good times” keep you hooked on the fantasy of who they could be
Add to this the manipulation tactics—love bombing, gaslighting, future faking, hoovering—and you have a recipe for psychological captivity that has nothing to do with weakness and everything to do with how our brains are wired.
How to Break Free from a Trauma Bond: Your Path Forward
Breaking a trauma bond isn’t about willpower. It’s about rewiring your nervous system, rebuilding your sense of self, and getting the right support. Here’s where to start:
1. Name It
You’ve just taken the first step by reading this article. Recognizing you’re in a trauma bond removes the self-blame. You’re not weak, crazy, or broken—you’re dealing with a complex psychological phenomenon.
2. Implement No Contact (or Gray Rock if You Share Children)
This is non-negotiable for healing. Every interaction with your abuser reactivates the trauma bond. If you must have contact (co-parenting), learn the “gray rock” method: become as boring and unresponsive as possible to avoid feeding their need for drama.
3. Build Your Support System
Reconnect with the people you’ve isolated yourself from. Join support groups. The shame and secrecy feed the trauma bond; connection and validation starve it.
4. Work with a Trauma-Informed Therapist
Not all therapists understand the complex dynamics of narcissistic abuse and trauma bonding. You need someone who:
- Specializes in relationship trauma
- Understands narcissistic abuse dynamics
- Won’t suggest couples counseling (which is dangerous with an abuser)
- Uses evidence-based approaches like EMDR for trauma processing
5. Understand Your Attachment Patterns
Trauma bonds don’t form in a vacuum. Often, childhood attachment wounds make us vulnerable to these dynamics. Exploring your attachment history helps you understand why you’re susceptible and how to build immunity moving forward.
6. Develop Healthy Boundaries
You’ll need to learn what healthy boundaries look like and practice enforcing them. This is skills-based work that takes time and support.
7. Address the Withdrawal
Yes, you’ll experience actual withdrawal symptoms—anxiety, obsessive thoughts, physical pain, the urge to contact them. Having a therapist guide you through this phase is crucial.
Healing Is Possible: My Approach to Breaking Trauma Bonds
In my work at Life Counseling Solutions here in the Orlando area, I’ve dedicated my career to helping women break free from toxic relationships and reclaim their lives. I created the Woman Redeemed program specifically for women healing from relationship trauma, betrayal, and narcissistic abuse.
Through intensive experiential group therapy and individual EMDR sessions, I help you:
- Process the trauma stored in your body
- Understand your attachment patterns and relationship history
- Develop genuine self-trust and confidence
- Build healthy boundaries and relationship skills
- Transform from surviving to thriving
The women who come to me are often high-achieving, successful women who look like they “have it all together” on the outside. Behind closed doors, they’re exhausted, confused, and questioning their reality. If that’s you, I want you to know: There is a way out, and you don’t have to walk it alone.
You Deserve Love That Doesn’t Hurt
Trauma bonds thrive in isolation and secrecy. By reading this article, you’ve already broken the silence. The next step is reaching out for help.
If you’re in the Orlando, Casselberry, or Central Florida area and you recognize yourself in these seven signs, I invite you to take the next step. You don’t have to figure this out alone. You don’t have to keep riding the rollercoaster. And you certainly don’t have to waste another year of your life waiting for someone to change who has no intention of changing.
You already know what you need to do. Now it’s time to get the support to actually do it.
Ready to Break Free from Your Trauma Bond?
Life Counseling Solutions offers specialized trauma therapy for women healing from toxic relationships, narcissistic abuse, and betrayal trauma. Dr. Janie Lacy and her team provide:
- Individual EMDR trauma therapy
- Woman Redeemed intensive group program
- Specialized treatment for narcissistic abuse recovery
- Safe, judgment-free environment for healing
Located in Casselberry, FL (serving Orlando, Winter Park, Maitland, and all of Central Florida)
📞 Call (407) 622-1770 to schedule a consultation
🌐 Visit LifeCounselingSolutions.com
📺 As seen on TLC’s “90 Day Fiancé: The Last Resort”
Don’t wait for rock bottom. You deserve to heal, to trust yourself again, and to build the healthy, loving relationships you were always meant to have. Reach out today—your future self will thank you.
