An Open Letter to the ‘Other Woman’: Affair Recovery
I wish we could have this conversation at Starbucks, sipping over lattes, with no limit on time. We could probably shut the place down. I would want to know about you, where you came from, how you got here, and where you plan to go from this mess. I would want to hear your pain, but also would pray that we could quickly get through the surface talk and hit deep quickly. Because you need it, he needs it, she needs it, and because the children who are affected by you now or in the future need you to hit deep quickly. Time waits for no woman. And you’ve wasted enough time. So, let’s go there, let’s do it now, let’s face some truth so that you have a chance of being free.
The man you are loving walked down the aisle with HER.
Give him some credit. He wasn’t tricked. He wasn’t fooled. No one made him do it. He looked into her eyes, and in front of family and friends said covenant vows to God that he would love, honor, protect, and provide until death do they part. He didn’t trip and fall into marriage. He bought the ring, chose steak for the reception, he signed the license, and he went on the honeymoon. No one held a gun to his head. He chose to be married.
YOU are the other woman, not the wife. You are interfering in a marriage.
You are taking part in destroying a legacy. You are breaking up a home. No matter what he tells you, the wife is never the other woman. She is his wife. He is stepping out on her; it’s not the other way around. If he tells you anything else, if you believe anything else, you are lying to yourself, and he is lying to you.
He doesn’t love you or respect you more than her.
A man who doesn’t have enough strength of character to stay faithful to himself or his marriage has already violated the basic definition of love and respect. If he doesn’t have the ability to stay faithful in his marriage to his own commitment, he won’t be equipped to stay faithful to you once he’s out of it.
If he’s willing to cheat, he’s willing to tell you whatever will work to keep you entrapped.
So, my friend, what line are you falling for? That he is the victim in the marriage? That she won’t sign the papers? The marriage is dead but there is a legal reason to stay married? He loves his wife but she won’t put out? That you are so hot he can’t help himself? That he really wants you, not her? The bottom line for you is that if you are in a relationship with someone who is married than you are already dealing with a master manipulator who is lying his way through life. Every liar comes to his end. Do you want to be the one left picking up the pieces?
It doesn’t get better.
What dream are you holding on to and believing that keeps you from telling yourself the truth? I tell my clients that the degree of mental illness you have is the degree to which you are willing to live in reality. If the reality is you’ve gotten involved with a married man, then face that truth and embrace the fullness of what that really means. No little girl wakes up and says “When I grow up I want to be someone’s piece on the side”.
You will be the last person to be able to fix him.
Don’t try. At a very basic level, men are wired to require and give respect in relationship. You don’t have his respect because from his perspective he didn’t have to commit much to get you, and he doesn’t have to give of his whole heart to keep you around. That’s exactly what guys mean when they say ‘She’s easy!’ So, put whatever thoughts you might have of ‘making this work’ away. It will be a project that will eventually consume your soul and has the potential to destroy your heart.
Rest in the power of NO.
Affairs are always complicated. Let’s make it really simple. You have a choice. Walk away. Take extreme measures to remove him from your life. Fill your time and your life with things that will heal the hole that you tried to fill with him. Don’t be fooled when he tries to chase you down. Don’t accept less for yourself than what God intended for you, and learn to deal in therapy with why it has been OK for you to accept less in relationship than what you were designed for. When you choose to walk away you tell yourself, him, and the world that you deserve better than scraps. After all, scraps is really all a married man has to offer to the woman who is not his wife, because he is by covenant, physically, spiritually, and legally bound to his wife.
If find yourself constantly in these wrong relationships and only end in pain then check out this article “How Do I Stop Picking The Wrong Person?”
Do you need a fresh start, and a support system to help you through it? Life Counseling Solutions offers individual and group therapy for women who cycle through unhealthy relationships. Call 407-622-1770 for more information or set up an appointment today by clicking here. Start building the life you want where you are not only happy but proud of.