Divorce

Finding Purpose in Being Alone: 3 Ways to Uncover the Power of One

Singledom: we’re either there, been there, or going to be there! This stage and time in our lives is something we all, as human beings, hold in common. Everyone, regardless of size, color, economic position, power, or geographic location will experience this very moment in their lives at some point. How we take advantage of this time is up to us on an individual basis. There can be power in your singleness, you just have to uncover it.

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1.  There is power in self-discovery. This process is intense and incredibly different for a person who is single versus someone who is in a relationship. This is the time to not only discover your likes and passions but also to discover your own personal barriers to finding healthy love. You need to uncover that power, gently, by peeling away layer after layer of who you are, why you are the way you are, and who you want to be. There is power in knowing your previous relationship triggers, your deep individual hidden issues and expectations. While you are single, self-exploring and reflecting, you have the ability to take the steps necessary for change without affecting anyone but YOURSELF.
Uncover: Self-discovery can be a bumpy journey but it is o’ so worth it. Begin by journaling or meditating on the events that have made a significant impact in your life. Ask yourself, what consequences has it had on me personally and romantically? What behaviors do I display when I am triggered by similar events? What are those triggers or events? Acknowledge the purpose those circumstances may have had in your life and make the decision to be different. Give […]

  • Three Ways to Help You Walk Away from a Toxic Relationship Three Ways to Help You Walk Away from a Toxic Relationship

    Three Ways to Help You Walk Away from a Toxic Relationship

Three Ways to Help You Walk Away from a Toxic Relationship

It Is Hard To Walk Away From Toxic Relationships 

Why do we hold on to a toxic relationship?  There is no solid one-answer-fits-all response. What is clear is that humans are creatures of habit;  finding comfort within discomfort.  Unfortunately, people who come from a dysfunctional family dynamic are also likely to repeat family dysfunction in their own respective families and romantic relationships.  So how can you walk away from someone you love so passionately, whom you’ve invested so much time and effort into, and someone whom you’ve shared so many experiences with?  Walking away is not easy but if you want to break those unhealthy relationship patterns from your past, some tough decisions may be in order.  Here are some tips to help you walk away with the grace of a woman and not the grief of a child:

1. First, identify if the relationship has ran its course or if it is simply going through a rough patch. 

Identify the red flags; take inventory of the good, the bad, and the ugly. An example of a red flag that can help you identify an unhealthy relationship is if you are keeping secrets from others or within the relationship itself.  I am not talking about privacy.  Privacy is important in a marriage to protect the integrity of your union but secrecy is something you keep from others because you are a) embarrassed, b) afraid others will dislike your partner, c) afraid of the repercussions, or d) all of the above. For more information check out “Warning!! Warning!! Four Signs Of A Potentially Toxic Relationship.”

2. Have the courage to say “enough is enough.”

People often stay in toxic relationships because it’s “not that bad,” because “they […]

Four Ways to Avoid Emotional Infidelity | Janie Lacy

Can someone cheat without ever having physical contact? According to recent reports covering the David Petraeus’s affair those close to him during his final tours of battle were not surprised at all. One of the reasons is that most affairs happen long before there is any physical connection, so just how do we avoid going down the path of infidelity?

 

  

1) End Personal Conversations

a. Emotional Infidelity is rarely planned. It often arises from innocent friendships that became too personal.

b. It is best to avoid emotional and personal conversation with the opposite sex. If you catch yourself discussing personal information or you realize someone is sharing personal information with you, change the subject gently or end the conversation.

2) Meet In Groups
a. Have business or planning meetings in groups of three or more. Even one extra person can minimize emotional intimate conversation from happening.

b. Don’t compromise this standard. Once others come to know this is your standard, they will respect it. The first time you let down your boundaries, it will make it easier to do in the future which can lead to compromising situations.

 
3) Avoid consistency with the same person
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Should Children Pass Along Messages From Ex-Spouses?

How far can you go in involving your children when it comes to your ex-spouse?  Ideally, I believe it would be best that all communication between you and your ex-spouse be handled between the two of you.  There is absolutely no reason to involve your children.  Are you not both grown up individuals? Why do you need to use a child to deliver a message?  The fact that you have decided to separate is already hard enough for the child.  Imagine what you put him/her through by using him/her as your communication device?

Negative Effects on Children

There are many negative effects that your behavior can have on your children.  Your child may become torn between you and your ex-spouse.  Children tend to feel like they have to choose between one parent and the other.  They may also become overwhelmed by the demands put on them in carrying out your requests.  You need to be aware of the burden you are putting on your child.  Your child was not meant to be the messenger in your relationship with your ex-spouse.  Your child needs to be loved by both parents and to have a sense of security in his/her relationship with you.  I would recommend you to get over yourself and keep in mind what is best for the child.  You need to be able to put aside your anger, hurt, or disappointment from your ex-spouse and do what is best for your child.  Children need both parents in their lives.  I suggest you talk with your […]

Three Tips For Healthy Boundaries In Your Relationships

Did you know that privacy concerns are more prevalent now than ever before since technology has made it so easy for us to take a peak into other people’s lives?  What if it becomes too much?  Do you constantly find yourself taking a look at your husband’s text messages or email accounts?  When have you crossed the line and stepped over the boundaries that were set by you and your partner? Did you even set boundaries in the first place?

What can you do to spare your relationship from boundary violations?

 

1. Set Boundaries Early in the Relationship

Most couples discuss their finances, but did you know it is essential that relationship boundaries are discussed as well. Couples have a tendency to wait to discuss the nitty gritty things until something bad happens. This is why it is important to be proactive right from the start. Be open to talk about important aspects of the relationship early on and be sure you both are on the same page with the decisions you make regarding your relationship.

2. Communicate

Communication is key in any relationship. Again, it is important to be open with one another and talk about the important aspects of the relationship and not wait until somebody gets hurt. It may be healthy depending on your relationship, to set aside some […]

5 Effects of Pornography on Individuals, Marriage, and Family

Pornography, which is the depiction of graphic sexual acts, has tremendous effects on anyone that continuously engages in its viewing.  It distorts a person’s concept of the nature of sexual relations which in turn can alter his/her sexual attitudes and behavior.  Below are some of the effects pornography has on its viewers.

1) Effects on the Family

Married men (this can also apply to women) who regularly engage in pornography are more likely to be dissatisfied with their wives and can become detached emotionally from them.  Wives may not be aware that their husband is viewing Pornography but they do notice a difference in his attitude toward her.  His change can be due to the fact that Pornography viewing makes you numb to “normal” sexual relations.  The more you are exposed to, the more you want it.  It’s like a never ending vicious cycle.  It may not just be the wife that’s suffering, if children are present they will be affected by their father’s pornography viewing as well.  A consequence of pornography viewing can be a loss of interest in family relations.  That also means less time spent with children.  All the addict can think of is how to satisfy his cravings.  Another problem can arise if a child becomes exposed to the pornographic material or accidentally finds his/her father engaging in Pornography.  This can very much distort the child’s perception of his/her father and the child’s image of healthy sexuality in general.

2)  Effects on the Individual

One […]

5 Things To Do If Single During the Holiday Season

It’s that time of the year again! The holidays are drawing near, yet, you are still single? You feel lonely, depressed, and a sense of hopelessness, wondering if you will ever find that special someone in your life. Christmas is not about finding your mate, or celebrating your marriage. Let’s remember the true meaning of the Christmas season.


Let’s take a look at some of the things you can do to find meaning this season:

1.  Organize A Get Together

Why not invite your friends over for a fun dinner party? Have each one prepare a dish to bring to the party. This is a great way to enjoy each other’s company and spend some quality time with the ones you love.

2.  Do Something For Someone Else

This is a great way to donate your time over the holidays. If you have friends that have kids, offer to watch them for a few hours while their parents run errands. Help them make their Christmas presents, decorate the house or take them out to a Christmas market or ice skating. It will be a great way to bond with the kids and gives your friends some time for themselves.

3.  Spend Time With Your Family

Spend […]

5 Ways Your Relationship Can Survive The Holidays

Ready or not the Holidays are here!  It seems every year; most people are surprised at how fast the Holidays came around, but one thing we know for sure …it does come around!  Did you know that January is like Christmas for most divorce attorneys with spikes in divorce consultations following the Holidays?  What can you do to avoid being a part of that New Year statistic?  There are five areas that you must be proactive in during this Holiday season with your spouse to survive the holidays!

 

1)  MONEY continues to be a huge conflict for most couples.  It is important that you do not avoid the “money talk” in the hopes that the other person does not notice the increased spending bills.   It is healthy for the relationship to have a discussion about the Holiday spending budget and to consult with each other on the purchases of gifts.  This will avoid any surprises after the fact or resentment from one person feeling like they were not included in the financial decision-making process for the Holiday spending.

2)  IN-LAWS can become the topic of many couples heated discussions around the Holidays especially if they all live in the same city!  You can avoid this hot button issue by having an agreed upon way that is fair to you both to spend the holidays with the extended family.  For some couples, this means alternating each holiday with the different families.  For example, you have […]

5 Destructive Relationship Patterns

Listed below are five distinct types of harmful relationships.  As you read through this list, you might find that your relationship with someone contains all five characteristics, or you may identify with only one or two.  Please understand that if you experience even one of these patterns consistently in your relationship with someone, the behavior will cause harm to both you and your relationship if left unaddressed.

WHEN DOES A RELATIONSHIP BECOME DESTRUCTIVE?

  1. One or both parties commit physical, emotional, verbal, or sexual abuse upon the other.
  2. One person is regularly overprotective, overbearing, or both toward the other.
  3. One person is overdependent upon the other to affirm his or her personal value and worth, to meet all of his or her needs, and to make most of his or her decisions.
  4. One person demonstrates a pattern of deceiving the other through lying, hiding, pretending, misleading, or twisting information to make something appear other than what it is.
  5. One person exhibits chronic indifference, neglect, or both toward the thoughts, feelings, or well-being of the other.

Keep in mind that we are all capable of doing these things.  What makes these actions destructive is their repetitive pattern, as well as lack of awareness, lack of remorse, and lack of significant change.  This distinction should not minimize the destructiveness of […]

5 Healthy Break Up Do’s and Don’ts

Most people have experienced a break-up in their lifetime.  Recently, the entertainment news spotlighted Kim Kardashian’s break-up after 72 days of marriage and Zooey Deschanel split from her husband of only two years!  Break-ups can be traumatic and difficult to get over for most people, so just how can individuals move through a break-up in a healthy way?

5 Healthy Break Up Do’s and Don’ts 

1)  Do break up in person vs. Don’t break up via text or e-mail

  • Address your partner face-to-face so he/she can have a clear understanding of why you want out of the relationship.

2)  Do be honest and direct vs. Don’t lie to him/her

  • Don’t beat around the bush on why you want to call it quits.  He/she deserves to know exactly why you’re unhappy.  Plus, you may help him/her change a behavioral pattern down the line.

3)  Do break up before you stray vs. Don’t drag it out

  • Avoid jumping from one relationship to the next and avoid the guilt and drama that come along with cheating by recognizing when it’s time to let go, and then actually letting go.  It’s also a good idea to give yourself some space before you move on to the next one.

4)  Do express your feelings in “safe” ways vs. Don’t try to get rid of the feelings through destructive ways (i.e. drinking, etc.)

  • Don’t run from your feelings, feel your feelings and process them with “safe” people.

5)  Do celebrate your self-worth vs. Don’t do too much

  • Remind yourself about all of your accomplishments.  Remember not to be defined by your breakup.